January Blues

I haven’t been blogging much lately despite the fact that I promised my blogging would pick up again once the holidays were over.  I apologize for the (at the time true) statement which turned into a lie.  After taking down the Christmas decorations I found myself in a slump, and I’m still there.  I typically get this way once January hits, but this year it’s hit a little harder than usual.

I haven’t been posting as I hate writing sad posts, but as this is part of CF that I’ve had to deal with, I felt the necessity to get it off of my chest.  I warn you now though that if you don’t want to read a sad post, please just skip this one and rejoin me for my next post which will (hopefully) be much happier.

Over the past few days, a revelation dawned on me which made me quite blue: according to the “average life expectancy” (currently 38 years) of people with my disease, I now have far more yesterdays than tomorrows.  I obviously hope to far surpass the average life expectancy, but just thinking about this fact made me extremely sad.  There is so much that I still want to do with my life, and I feel like I have been wasting time recently.  I also realize how much I want to be there to see my children have children, and I worry if I will make it there.  None of us have guarantees, and I believe I’ve stressed that enough, but CF causes you to ponder your own mortality much sooner than you should have to.

I also started thinking about the things I would like to do, if I didn’t have CF.  I would love to travel the world, but my medications and requirements to stay healthy make that such a HARD thing to do.  I would love to climb a mountain.  I’ve always been fascinated with mountains, but I know my lungs couldn’t do it.  I would thoroughly enjoy being a nurse, but the germ exposure is too much of a risk.  I would love to learn gymnastics as I’ve always found the sport to be quite beautiful.  Again, my lungs wouldn’t handle it.  Most importantly, I would have at least 3 kids.  I’ve been quite sad thinking that our first child will probably be our last (at least naturally, although adoption or surrogacy is always an option).  I think that’s the crushed dream which I find it the hardest to accept.  Pregnancy can be quite difficult on a CFer, and I don’t know that I will risk my health to carry another if I already have one child to take care of.

This disease needs a cure, that’s for sure.  I want to be here for a very long time, and I want to raise my CHILDREN and see them become good, kind people.

Again, my apologies for writing such a sad post, but I felt it needed to be said.  Hopefully the next post will find me much more chipper and optimistic!